Dear Facebook - Please Ban These Types of Posts!
It seems like our national pastime is now rubbing on our smartphones to check out the latest status updates and posts on our Facebook News Feeds. If you are like us, you are continually reaching a point where you are considering throwing your phone down in disgust at yet another inane cat picture or other gag-worthy posts. Well, we are annoyed as hell and are not going to take the following post types anymore.
#1 - Facebook Activism
Facebook is the ideal outlet for those people who feel guilty and care enough to do the very least for a cause. It works like this: Nancy reads an article or watches a video that moves her to act, so she posts about it on Facebook. Nancy then believes she has done something to help the cause and allows it to leave her mind for good. One could call it “Raising Awareness Syndrome.”
Are you sick of pictures of food? What else should be banned from Facebook? Let us know below. Also, remember that if this post gets 1,000,000 likes, Facebook will listen to our demands.
#2 - Motivational Posters
These are the Facebook version of the “Hang In There, Baby” posters that were popular in the cubicles of real-life Cathy’s everywhere. Now, we are treated to phoned-in words of inspiration with a background of some natural wonder. Rather than making us feel special or enjoy life’s simple pleasures, they just broadcast to everyone in the world that you subscribe to the Suicide Prevention Slogan of the Day Club.
#3 - Vaguebooking
These are easy to spot because they leave you wondering: 1. Who is this person talking about? 2. Did their formal schooling end in the third grade? Vaguebooking is usually done by an emotional train wreck. When worked up emotionally, grammar goes out the window. Consequently, you end up with some permutation of “Grrl u aint shhh 4 reel!!! U bes not try playin me again!!!1!”
#4 - Near Nude Selfies
The filters people have on their actions work better with time. Unfortunately, we live in a day in age where you can broadcast a picture of yourself to thousands of people within seconds…before your filter can stop you. This leads to many almost nude selfies of attention seeking people and people who just dropped a couple pounds. No one wants to see it.
#5 - Chain Posts
The practice of sending chain emails was popular in the early days of email and is still popular among really old people and Republicans. This practice involved forwarding an email you received to everyone in your address book, because it would please some deity, win you some money or some other similar nonsense. This practice has translated to Facebook with terrible results. But seriously, Bill Gates is looking to give $1,000 cash to random people who share this article!